If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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