addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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