Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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