Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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