he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
