I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
