the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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