Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
