My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
