I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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