He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
