When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
