I accidentally burped into my bong.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
