Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
