what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
