I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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