My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize