I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
