i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
