he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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