I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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