Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
