I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
