i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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