I am puke
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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