Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
