I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
