Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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