Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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