I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You did what with his pubic hair?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
