well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize