babies were throwing up all over the place
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
should my penis look like a turkey
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
