I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
