it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
