i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
