You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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