farters have to be the big spoon...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize