i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
