theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
