my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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