I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
