i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
