You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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