i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
