i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
