I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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