I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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