He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
