dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
