I just cut my nipple shaving
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I want her autograph on my taint
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
