I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize