I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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