sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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