I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My penis needs a shock collar
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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