I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
