New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
