Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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