So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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