Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I am one with the molecules
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize